06.12.08
Posted in Blog at 1:13 am by Shirley Nah
A lot of the times when I see another Asian girl that is a stranger on the street, for some reason I automatically act hostile towards them. We exchange unapproachable glances, and in my mind I am judging them by the way they look, the way the dress, who they are with, and sizing them up to see if they are any threat to me. Why do I do this? Every Asian girl I have talked to admits to doing this.. Actually, scratch that, every minority girl I know acts this way towards someone of their own race. Why?
It seems Asian and minority men don’t face this same hostility with each other. When I asked my brother if he felt the way that I do towards Asian girls he asked quite shocked, “You actually feel threatened?” I got similar astounded responses from my Asian guy friends as well. Why do they not judge each other as much as Asian women do?
Perplexed by this issue, I turned to my friend Soumya (pronounced like Sonya with an “m”–Somya), a beautiful girl from California who happens to be Indian as well. I asked if she felt threatened at times, and she said yes. We were both surprised by our own responses. It seems that while many girls feel threatened or hostile, rarely do we acknowledge it. Even when we acknowledge it, we don’t even know exactly why we feel and act this way. For me, the actual reason may be a little frightening. It reveals an intense insecurity about our identity as minority and Asian women.
Soumya and I came up with a possible reason for our reaction. Since we share similar backgrounds, I am not claiming this reasoning as a universal answer, but perhaps it will help you in figuring out why you react the way you do. Soumya and I both come from upper middle class wealthy families with parents who immigrated from their respective countries on student visas and scholarships. After the rags to riches transformation of our parents, we were raised in the suburbs surrounded by American pop culture and led two lives: our cultural one with family and family friends, and our school one in a white American society. Eventually we became masters at excelling in the “white” social scene through personality and looks. However, we both recognize that at many points and times in the friends we have made, we each have been the minority novelty: “This is my Asian friend. Isn’t she hot and funny? She’s the hottest Asian I have ever seen. No other Asians are like her.” I am sure many of us have heard similar lines when we were introduced as parties and to other friends of friends.
Soumya and I, it seems, had become exceptionally vain and proud of our differences. Since we recognized that our novelty as a minority allowed us to achieve a level of popularity, it led us to prize our uniqueness. Our fear is that our value and uniqueness is by race only. If my friends decided to talk to another Asian girl, I feel that they will quickly discover that she can be just as good looking and funny and engaging as I can be — if not more. Thus, this fear leads me to automatically become threatened by the appearance of another Asian girl. It seems that I have little faith in my position within my friend group. Furthermore, that I have very little confidence in myself that I would automatically fear somebody better. This is both startling and depressing to me. Do I not trust my friends enough to believe that they see me more than just an exotic Asian girl? The thing is, I know that they do–that they love me. However, I feel objectified when they refer to me as their Asian friend. Is that seriously my only selling point worth sharing to new strangers? Why can’t they refer to me as their funny friend or charming friend? It seems that by acknowledging me as my race, they are saying: You are not equal.
Therein lies the ultimate paradox that Soumya and I discovered. The racial differences that limit us, make us feel insecure, and makes us feel worthless are the same differences that we have benefited from. Our racial novelty has given us a degree of social success, but we hate its implications. Thus, Soumya and I agree we judge and size up other minority women to see how big of a threat they are to the status quo of our social standing. We fear that we will be outshone.
In regards to gender differences–why males don’t feel the degree of hostility–Soumya says it best, “Guys have sports to bond over, but what do we have? Make up? Clothes? If these are our similarities then no wonder girls compete. These are tools to make us look better than the next girl; what we share are the tools we use to compete with one another. A dual with stated weapons of preferences.”
I size up others out of my own insecurity, but I have felt the glare as well. I wonder why other girls do it too? Is it really going to be a case-by-case reason, or are we all responding to our insecurity in our place in a white society?
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06.05.08
Posted in Blog at 3:10 am by Shirley Nah
I tend to pride myself in not being overly sensitive, so perhaps this reaction could be considered a moment of weakness. However, while watching Law & Order (guilty pleasure) this afternoon, I happened to see the new Pampers 1 Pack = 1 Vaccine commercial.
In this commercial, a white mother and child receive the thanks of other mothers and children who appear in ethnic clothing representing the various countries that the Pampers cause is aiding. The idea that for every pack of diapers purchased one vaccine is made available is indeed truly commendable. However, I am more disturbed with the second message that this commercial conveys.
To me this commercial implies that all non White races are not modern, are extremely ethnic, and need the help of a white America to guide the way. Whoever created the commercial was at least somewhat aware of the discrepancy in race and knew how to manipulate race imagery. The main mother is walking on an affluent street pushing a baby carriage and all the other people on that street are white as well. However, all nonwhite actors are wearing ridiculously stereotypical clothing. A small Mexican child runs up in a woven poncho at one point, and an Asian woman turns to reveal that she is wearing a rice farmer’s hat. All of the women and children are breathtakingly beautiful, yet none of them are wearing modern clothing. I don’t see how the commercial could have been weakened if it was a modern Asian, black, or Hispanic woman walking down that same street. If nothing else, it would have actually strengthened the commercial by eliminating the overtly condescending tone.
In about 3 minutes the entire commercial has shaken my comfort as an Asian woman, and it also has awakened a deep fear within me. My anger and frustration with this commercial stems from my worries about respect and the way I am viewed as an Asian American. I identify with the modern culture–I see myself as living affluently, elegantly, and privileged. However, I also identify with my race. I watch this commercial, and it dawns on me that maybe when white people view me, they see me as the peasant rice farmer walking on their rich white affluent street. They must think then that I don’t belong and am attempting to assimilate by adopting “their” ways of dress and lifestyles.
Why should I be made to feel this way when watching their commercial when I was in fact born into my privileged lifestyle? My parents worked hard both financially and socially to provide me with equal opportunities. Because of past encounters with verifiable assholes and racial stereotypes, I have become acutely aware of my Asian “difference;” thus, when commercials such as these grace my time with Law & Order, they only serve to weaken my confidence in my place in society as an Asian American.
However, my insecurities with my identity are my concern exclusively. There is no way that a diaper commercial could create this sensitivity within me. Furthermore, I don’t expect anybody but myself to own up to causing these insecurities because they are a product of the way I internalized certain altercations. BUT, the subtle message that this commercial conveys encourages the belief that other races are powerless and poor. That it is the grace of modern white America who can provide the necessary help. It is undoubtedly viewed through Western eyes, and I worry that for those that already see whites as the only modern race, that this commercial will serve to instill the backwards uselessness of other races.
To some, my observations will come off as sensitive, but I think my concerns are extremely valid. Please take time to view the commercial and perhaps buy a pack of diapers because it is only fair to admit that at least their mission is extremely admirable.
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06.03.08
Posted in Blog at 2:03 am by Shirley Nah
I have come to find that in our generation many Asians are hopeless romantics and are more prone to melodramatic moods.
Within Asian media, content is centered around love centered themes. Dramas and mini-series deal with finding the perfect love. Even the content of Asian pop music is exclusively loved themed. While it’s true that almost everyone, regardless of race, searches for their soul mate, it seems that Asians have made an industry out of it–an industry that reflects their cultural obsession with love.
This obsession with finding the perfect love antes up the Asian dating scene. I find that girls and boys both expect the initial honeymoon phase to last forever like they see in the fairytale dramas. Moreover, there is a melodramatic air with which they approach relationships. This can be both good and bad, for I find that there are many cute things that happen during anniversaries and special moments. Everyday things are enough proof of their love; however, when the honeymoon attraction ends, the bumps in the relationship turn into deep melodramatic episodes. And what are these couples clawing at? Fighting to make that one relationship their fantasy love?
I am a bit of a romantic myself, and I do believe that everyone can find their soul mate. But, whether the glamorous and visibly exciting love that is witnessed in dramas and movies can be achieved is another story. Love can be exhilarating in its own subtle ways, and I fear that many Asians expect big gestured love or what I call “perfect timing” love–the gestures where everything falls into place at the right time. It makes being in a relationship, even finding a partner, difficult when your expectations for love are that high. It makes Asians more susceptible to falling in love with the feeling of love, something much more different than actually being in love.
It is okay to be a helpless romantic, but my caveat is to take it with a grain of salt and know that if you expect showy love like that, then you must also expect great heartache because a relationship will not always be about the perfect music and the perfect mood. “Love without pain, isn’t really romance” (Royksopp). And romance is what all real love stories are about, yes?
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06.01.08
Posted in Blog at 12:59 am by Shirley Nah
In the West, we get next month’s relationship predictions from the back of magazines based on our astrological horoscope sign. What has become more and more popular among East Asians is compatibility and personality descriptions based on blood types.
Originating from Japan, this trend has spread to South Korea, China, and many South Asian countries as well. Surprisingly, blood type personalities is a notion that has been around since the 1930s due to Furukawa Takeji’s responses to the scientific racism of Asians at that time. Since then, blood types have become equal to horoscopes in judging personalities.
Read the rest of this entry »
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05.31.08
Posted in Blog at 1:41 am by Shirley Nah
Succeeding in your own endeavors is easy because you are in control of your own expectations. Succeeding in relationships is of course much harder.
Daily, women are redefining their roles in society. Thanks to progressive thinking, women are excelling in academics as well as in the work field. We are looking younger longer as well as living healthier lifestyles. Many of us were raised to study diligently and do well; thus, we carried over these principles into our workplace and adopted them into our lifestyles.
Dilemma: In the dating realm, for Asian women success in the workplace is not usually an attractive factor. More so than any other races, Asian men tend to feel that they need to be the breadwinners in the family. For example, in Korean and Japanese cultures, a staggering majority of women end up becoming housewives because they personally choose to adopt that as their role in the family. Though I have nothing against this decision, it tends to lead to an outdated expectation (that some hold) for other Asian women to do the same.
Moreover, the parents that were cheering for us to do well in school in our younger years are now more concerned with us being able to find a boyfriend and a husband. They are even fearful that our success might hinder our ability to find a date. In my opinion, it is frustrating to realize that qualities that were once praised are now belittled because of the pressure to find a guy.
What I have come to find is that both Asian men and women hold this belief that men must be more successful than women. Asian men tend to only date girls they feel they can take care of, and Asian women are attracted to men who will offer them security.
However, Asian women are rising in academics as well as in the work place. Thus the a terrible dilemma arises. Career women will find it harder and harder to find a guy that will fulfill her breadwinner requirement. After achieving their own success, they will have high expectations. What is the smart, career driven girl to do then? Her dating pool becomes extremely limited doesn’t it?
In my opinion, there isn’t much that can really be done. We all witness this phenomenon daily and many Asian women are living with this ’struggle.’ It would be expecting a lot to ask Asian men to swallow their pride or for Asian women to ’settle for less.’ Of course, I am not saying that long term relationships of conventional gender role reversal don’t happen; on the contrary, it actually happens a lot. However, for the growing number of educated women graduating from colleges every year and entering the workforce in high paying jobs, there may not be enough of these kinds of compromises to satisfy every career girl’s dream.
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05.29.08
Posted in Blog at 11:36 pm by Shirley Nah
Forget interracial dating. How about inter-Asian dating–dating across different cultural lines?
Inter-Asian dating is something that reveals stigmas even more severe than that of interracial dating. For our parents’ generation, inter-Asian dating might pose problems dealing with the politics of culture, e.g., instilled hatred for the Japanese in Chinese and Korean cultures. However, in our generation, it might pose something even more troubling: the idea of an Asian hierarchy.
It is well known that the Asian community is divided amongst cultures. When my Asian friends sit and talk about our different backgrounds, the conversation inevitably becomes a “one-up” argument. We are constantly trying to one-up each other with a lot of “Well in my culture…” thrown around. Because of this, certain Asian types are labeled as superior while others are labeled as inferior.
Like myself, you probably acknowledge that the idea of the Asian hierarchy exists within the Asian community, but think yourself immune to such biases. You think: I have many Asian friends who are Chinese, Korean, Japanese, Vietnamese, Thai, etc., and I love them very much and don’t make broad sweeping judgments about them based on their culture.
However despite my love for my friends, I have found that I sometimes subtract them out of their culture; I don’t consider them a typical example and see them as an exception. Thus, I have found that I do still judge other Asian cultures–even placing them beneath me.
It is very wrong, very, very, very wrong. Why I choose to write about this topic is that it affects whom I choose to date. I have even heard some of my friends say that the last thing they want to do is date a Chinese, or a Viet, a Korean, etc., the preference belongs to the individual.
How can this be counteracted? Very few people who are affected and aware of these cultural differences actually truly believe the prejudices of it, but the problem is a community issue and there are those who do honestly believe in the superiority of their culture. How then, can the Asian community attempt to unify groups that see themselves outside and above the Asian community?
I must play devil’s advocate for a moment as well. Perhaps the reason that I am concerned with inter-Asian dating is because I allow the cultural differences to affect me. I know many, many happy couples who are of different Asian backgrounds. These individuals truly disregard–don’t even think about–a hierarchy in culture. Thus, is my own issue with this subject a reflection of the prejudices that I so wrongly believe? However, I cannot possibly be the only individual who deals with this problem. How can we then overcome this false categorizing of cultures and look outside of it? This question has implications outside the dating realm, and is the key to uniting the Asian community. I wonder what the answer will be, and if such a problem can ever be solved.
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Posted in Blog at 1:30 am by Shirley Nah
About a month ago, I was sitting with my girl friends in the library attempting to study. Needless to say, that study session ended up in a girly heart-to-heart chatter. During this time though, I got into a slight argument with all my friends about The Asian Fetish.
I told them that it was my number one turn off in meeting non Asian men. That sometimes I felt that if a guy was hitting on me who wasn’t Asian, then I couldn’t help feeling that he must have an Asian fetish. Their reply was that I was over reacting. None of them were Asian so to them my complaints were me being overly sensitive and hyper aware about my race.
One of my friends even ventured to ask me how even if I was right, isn’t this so called fetish the same thing as having a type? She even used the example of boys having a blond hair, blue eyed, big breasted type (she herself was all of these things), but she concluded as much as it upset her, she just accepted it as being a part of who she was and the way she looked.
I got really defensive. My immediate reaction was outrage. How could a fetish be even remotely compared to a type!? I had never encountered this response to this topic, but all my friends seemed to think that I was being extremely narrow minded as well as hindering my own potential to meeting new people. After the initial shock, I got to thinking. I’ve thought about that conversation for so long, that I now have to ask myself and other Asian women these question: Is an Asian fetish the same thing as having a type? Are we sometimes overly sensitive to this topic? Does our constant awareness of this issue actually limit us as Asian women?
My own responses to these questions are this:
No, an Asian fetish is not the same thing as a type. There is a difference between being fetishized and fantasized. While my beautiful blonde friend can eliminate her stigma by simply dying her hair brown or even wearing less flattering clothing, an Asian girl is sexualized regardless of hair color, body shape, clothing choices, etc. Because we are a different ‘race,’ there is little we can do to eliminate our overtly Asian features.
Yes, we most definitely are too sensitive about this issue. It’s because we talk about it all the time and laugh about it with our other Asian girl friends. So when we see it in the media or see it in action at a party, it only further confirms our staunch belief that this sexualization is prevalent. In this respect, we need to be conscious that maybe we are too aware and too sensitive about our difference in race and too quick in assuming that we are being disrespected and objectified. As a result, we may be limiting our dating range with other races.
Your answers might be different because your experiences are different. Being an Asian girl who is aware of this fetish has definitely shaped how I play the dating game, or who I even let near me just to flirt. Think about these questions because they might reveal how big of a role the fetish plays in your own life. You might be surprised.
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05.28.08
Posted in Blog at 3:25 am by Shirley Nah
Fact: Asian women are highly sexualized (a mixed blessing) and generally are very much aware of their powers of attraction
Problem: Asian men are not nearly as sexualized and are often emasculated. This makes dating, which is an already daunting task, even more difficult for Asian men who may become overwhelmed and hindered by this gender discrepancy.
Solution: have confidence! HAVE CONFIDENCE!!! Moreover, I recommend that you should have confidence. Did I mention that having confidence is a great solution to this problem??
What do I mean by confidence? Do I mean cocky and pretentious? NO! Most people are intelligent enough to find cockiness not only obnoxious but also a sign of weakness as well as a major turn off. The confidence that I speak of is a very fine line that will take your own experience to master. You should feel comfortable with the person you are and be willing to take risks. Go ahead and approach that “someone” at the party.
You almost always have nothing to lose because relationships and dating extend far beyond the first encounter, and attention paid to you within the first five minutes may not guarantee success within the ensuing half hour. Thus, you should definitely go on ahead to approach and engage the person you are attracted to.
Why do I personally think that confidence is the key to attraction? For me, as a girl, it signals several things:
Firstly, that you know who you are. You are a strong individual who can hold your own, is willing to take risks, and truly believes in themselves.
Secondly, that because you know who you are, you know what you like. Thus, I conclude that the time spent flirting with me means that I am someone that you know for sure you are attracted to. This attention is almost always more welcome than that of a boy’s whose confidence is wavering and seems to be what my friends call a “percentage man”: a guy so desperate for reciprocation of attention that he hits on and talks to EVERYONE hoping that out of his survey population, a small percentage will acknowledge him back.
Thirdly, when you talk to me, I will see that you are not nervous and you are able to hold your own in conversations, so I will then put you in the same league as me. It is about 100000x easier for a girl to look hot and attractive than it is for a boy. Men are limited in their hairstyles, clothing choices, and there exists only one archetype of the tall and handsome male. For women on the other hand, we can look good either short or tall as well as skinny or curvy. We also have more fashion choices that can flatter our bodies, we can wear different hair styles to frame our faces, and we are allowed make up—basically paint—to hide our blemishes and to make us look glamorous. My point is that just because you are looking at a hot girl does not mean you are looking at something out of your league. My hottest friends never get boys because it seems their great looks intimidate and weed out most insecure men. HAVE CONFIDENCE!
Not everything is as daunting as it seems, and your confidence will pay off not only in playing the dating game but also in work and social settings as well. Be confident! I obviously believe in you enough to have written such a long plea for you to be confident; it’s about time that you should start believing in yourself as well and do so!
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05.27.08
Posted in Blog at 12:02 am by Shirley Nah
There is no argument that Asian Americans and Asian (immigrants) are separate groups of people; indeed, both groups face different daily struggles in their attempts to exist/coexist with American (mainstream) culture. A question I now pose is this: Do you think that being born in America or being born in Asia impacts one’s future choices in the company they keep and the people they seek out to date?
I ask this question because I think it does—there exists a correlation between where one is raised and the company they choose to keep. More specifically I am referring to the phenomenon of Asians seeking out the company of other Asians, or the deliberate choice not to.
What my Asian friends and I have noticed, and our conclusions might be isolated to our circumstance, is that Asian Americans may have many non-Asian friends but will ultimately seek out the company of other Asians. Moreover, they see themselves attracted to and dating Asians. On the flip side are the Asian immigrants who seem more willing to date outside of the Asian “circle” and tend to be more attracted to non Asians. (Knowing that interracial dating is an extremely complicated topic, I was hesitant to make the previous statement; however, it is something that I have noticed.)
I first became aware of this difference as early as junior high when my friend who had recently come from
China told me that all she wanted to do was befriend and date non Asians. She even expressed her love for my company my telling me that I was the only Asian girl she really saw as a friend.
Since then I have made many other friends, mostly girls, who have similar stories. I have heard, “I have never ever been attracted to an Asian male” as well as “I think Asian men are the least attractive.” These statements have always come at a great surprise to me because I am most attracted to Asians.
When I was younger, I barely had any Asian friends except for the ones that were in my parents’ friends circle; yet I had a crush on all the Asian boys. Then in middle school and high school I hung out with almost all Asians and continued to date only Asian boys. Now in college, all my friends are almost all non Asian; nevertheless, I am still mostly attracted to Asian males.
And I know for fact that my story is not unique. Many other Asian Americans also find this to be true. So does this difference in dating preferences really exist between ABC’s and FOB’s? If it it does (like I think it does), then why does this happen?
There are thousands of reasons as to why ranging from the novelty of a different race to perhaps personal preference and social settings. However, I bring this question up because I do believe that this does play into our decisions in dating. Think about and talk it over with some friends; if you agree with me you might find people who might prove me wrong. If you disagree, you might find people who would prove me right.
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05.19.08
Posted in Blog at 8:01 pm by admin
Michelle Maykin was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia in February 2007. Right now, she’s down to the last few weeks and needs to find a bone marrow match by JUNE 21. She is of Chinese/Vietnamese descent and it is more likely she’ll find a match within the same ethnic/racial group.
Right now, there is a team, Project Michelle, who is organizing donor drives all over… at schools, offices, etc. They are calling out to people to help by getting registered as a donor or helping to organize donor drives where registrations will be expedited and processed against Michelle’s bone marrow type.
Think about it, if you register and match… you could save Michelle’s life. If you don’t match, you could still be saving someone else who desperately needs a match. According to Asians for Miracle Marrow Matches, there is an unfortunate lack of Asian donors in the national registry… and we need to change that!!!
For more info about Michelle Maykin and Project Michelle:
http://www.projectmichelle.com
Donor Info:
http://www.asianmarrow.org/donors/
http://www.aadp.org/pages/page.php?pageid=3
Registering in NorCal:
http://www.aadp.org/pages/page.php?pageid=8
Registering in SoCal:
http://www.asianmarrow.org/drives/index.php
Register at HOME:
http://www.aadp.org/pages/register.php
Article on AngryAsianMan:
http://www.angryasianman.com/2008/05/project-michelle-bone-marrow-donors.html
Thank you so much for your time. If you have any questions or would like to get more involved with Project Michelle or setting up a donor drive, let me know and I can direct you to some peeps.
And of course, if you can spread the word… please do.
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