04.21.08

Personal essay written by W. Huang

Posted in Blog at 8:07 am by admin

As a youth I was a wild free gun slinging cowboy, a Firemen, a Police officer, FBI Agent, James Bond, I was who I wanted to be and I knew nothing could stop me from all these dreams. As I grew older the pieces from the puzzle started to connect and I realized that being Asian held me back. I guess being a young adolescent finding your own identity can be as hard as finding a pin in a hay stack. I felt like I didn’t belong to the American community because they thought of me as a foreigner and to the Chinese community they stereotyped me as a person who lost his culture and traditions. I just wanted to be accepted as a person and not because of how I looked. Not being able to fit in caused me to be very conscious of my race during my early teenage years. It affected me so dramatically that I would hide from uncomfortable social situations. I was lost within myself and I did not understand what I was. Was I Chinese? Was I American?

As I grew older I realized my race, culture and environment affected me and made me who I was today. I knew that I should be proud of who I was. It was really important for me to understand everything about my race and my own living environment.

With charismatic enthusiasm Johnny raised up his glass high into the air, “Too…..ME!!!” Our laughter practically covers the whole bar. Glares peer our way while heads turn from their dish to see the commotion. It was a special day for my Johnny. Johnny has become a man. He has turned the BIG two, one. He shivers for a few seconds, “hey birthday boy whats wrong?” asked our petite home girl Kaitlin, all of a sudden he holds out his finger and says “wait its coming…..BURRRPP”. Kaitlin screams “ewww your a disgusting pig”, and as always Johnny replies back with “uh oh that’s the signal for more lickety lickety liquor hahaha”. He tries to get up but all of a sudden collapses onto the table. The table flips over. The looks of the others in the bar turn from shocked to disgust. The look which told us we didn’t belong. Johnny didn’t care, he was use to it. Growing up as the only Asian in his neighborhood, Johnny knew how these social schemes played out. But all the rest of us were from the apple, and although every one of us has once in their life battled face to face with the two headed dragon that is racism, it wasn’t on par with the stuff he had to face every day.

As bottles broke into shards and hysterical laughter came out of Johnny’s mouth for no reason, we decided that it was time to go. I pick up his belongings or what was left of it and put Johnny’s arms around my shoulder. As all 12 of us left the bar whispering can be heard coming from the hip sports bar. “F*cking slants need to learn how to control their liquor.” “F*cking Chinamen need to stick to math and leave the partying to us” “Did you see the slut? I would make that b*tch love me long time” “hahah yeah she can sucky sucky me.” Wow I thought to myself these assholes are so blunt and obvious. I tried to pay no mind; after all we are not in the right territory. As we got in the car the racist cries and comments became more evident and got louder. It was at that point we knew we were in danger. My buddy Tommy hands started to tingle and he just couldn’t get a hold of the keys. He was scared, we all were. Finally he got the keys into the ignition…

Tommy screams “YES!” As the car starts, we heard banging noises from the car like hail was falling from the sky. All of a sudden as we are zooming off glass shatters at the back and it flies everywhere. I turn around from the passenger seat to see what was happening. Tiffany is unconscious with blood dripping from her head down to her baby blue blouse. Her eyes closed. On her lap was a rock the size of a baseball with tiny red blood stains. Kaitlin screams “AHHHH TIFFANY!!! DRIVE!! DRIVE TOMMY F*CKING DRIVE!!!!” As we are leaving this warzone the screams are as loud as they ever are. “HAHA YOU F*CKING CH*NKS THAT WILL TEACH YOU A LESSON.” “NICE SHOT BRO!” “haha GO BACK TO CHINA YOU JAPS!!” I was stunned just staring at Tiffany. I was unable to think and realize what was happening. All of that night was still a blur, not because of the liquor or how I was left stunned. That night made me question my identity…

I believe powerfully in pursuing a cause to the very end and making a change in society. Whether it’s breaking stereotypes or changing an age old perception that consistently causes hatred. In joining your group I would be able to give my experience and everything I’ve learnt in life to the younger generation and give them a heads up about the path of life. Like myself I believe many young Asian Americans around this time are still confused about their identity and they need some guidance. Although I can’t define anybody identity I hope to guide many of them to the right path and not to crash into some of the same mistakes that I had.

My name is William Huang, I am 19 years old and I am currently a student at the New York City College of Technology. This is my first year and I am a Liberal Arts Student but I have dreams of going into the medical field and making a difference by saving lives. I am a person who finds happiness in the helping of others and the joyfulness of others. I also love giving advice to anyone who needs it. I like hearing about the struggles of many people, giving them some solutions and watching them grow. Although I am not a psychiatrist I find joy in helping others and finding a way to erase the ills of society. I believe the experiences I have under my belt allow me to connect with the younger Asian American and find in that a passion for life. Growing up as an adolescent is tough for everyone. At times many feel like nobody understand what they are growing through and many times I felt as if I needed guidance. I believe others going through the stages that I went through are in need of guidance as well and I would like to share with them my knowledge as well as receive some experiences from them.

Everyday I woke up for those four years and I dreaded walking down the long yellow and green hallways. Split up into different areas of the hallways was the different cliques. I felt so out of place. I didn’t know what group I belonged to. It was as if I was a book getting placed in the miscellaneous section of the Library.

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