11.28.07

Bullying

Posted in Health, Education at 6:42 pm by mark_chang

BULLYING, USED TO BE (PRIMARILY) AN ASIAN PROBLEM

 Verbal and physical bullying has been a “rite of passage” for just about every Asian boy growing up in America.

Psychiatrists and school teachers have long known of the detrimental effects bullying has on it’s victims but only recently, has the age old practice been getting increased attention arguably due to the fact that bullying is no longer a practice mainly targeting Asians.

 

THANK ME NOW OR THANK ME LATER

In an effort to make this world a better place to live in, I’ve selected the following tips from the chapter on bullying from my forthcoming book.

Note that the text is written from a parent’s perspective of a male child.

 

ROOT CAUSE

Bullying is not a result of troubled children seeking attention.  It is about establishing power by showing you are stronger by picking on someone weaker.  Often times, Asian children are the targets of bullies because they are an easy victim and a bully does not like a challenge.  They are easy victims because physically they are often times smallish and socially, they are different from the western children.

 

 A BULLY CAN SMELL A WEAKLING 10 YARDS AWAY

 To help prevent your child from being bullied:

  - Enroll the child in self defense programs both of a striking as well as a grappling nature.  Self defense discipline(s) should be the only extra-curricular activities.  Playing the piano does not build confidence if the pianist cannot defend himself.

  - Have your child make as many friends as possible.  A bully usually likes to single out a loner.

  - Do not buy them expensive or attractive clothes or items.  This will make other children jealous and they will look to “punish” your child.  If you attempt to show superiority through spending power, the bully will attempt to show superiority through physical power.

  - Do not provide any escapes at home for a small child.  These include video games, movies, toys, etc.  If a child only looks forward to the comforts of home, they will take the path of least resistance while at school.  If there are no escapes the child will be forced to deal with the situations as they arise.

  

EARLY ON

 Some children instinctively fight back.  However, if you have a more “cerebral” child (the psychological term for a child that does not instinctively hit back but instead attempts to analyze the situation), up to age six or seven they will not understand these concepts.  At age six or seven if there is no progress they should be told in no uncertain terms that they are not a punching bag for the western children and  that they need to defend their bodies and their family honor.

 Make sure to tell your child:

 - If someone does something you do not like, do it back to them.

 - Always inform you, the parent about things that happen at school.

 - You, the parent are there to help them, not to judge or punish them.

 - Not fighting back at all is worse than losing a fight.

 - Ignoring the problem will only make it escalate.

  

BE THE REFEREE

 If you are present when a situation arises, do not expect your child to defend himself.  Physically step in, separate the other kid, and give him a stern warning that “violence is not an acceptable way to solve problems”.  If/when their parent confronts you with “don’t talk to my kid” or “don’t touch my kid”, simply respond with: “I wouldn’t have to talk to/separate your kid if you could control your kid.”

 Whenever talking with your child’s teacher, inquire about your child’s interaction with other kids, e.g. “so how is <name of child> getting along with the other kids?  Any problems?”

 The primary responsibility to monitor children’s interactions at school lies with the teacher.  The teacher should also be your first point of contact in order to address the situation when dealing with primary school children (up to grade 6).  Unfortunately, teachers (in the US) are overworked, underpaid and therefore protecting an Asian kid from being harassed is not going to be high on their list of priorities.

  

DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT

 Upon the first incident, write a formal request (with return receipt) to the principal (public) or director (private) of the school indicating the child’s name, the offending child, the events that transpired and that you expect your child to be safe while in their custody.  Putting this in writing indicates that you are serious about the issue and establishes a paper trail in case things need to be escalated.  Institutions know that America is a litigious society and realize it is in their best interest to avoid a potential lawsuit.

 Give the teacher and school system a week to correct the bullying.  If the bullying does not stop and your child is unable or unwilling to protect themselves, you may choose to confront the parents of the bully.

  

DEALING WITH DIRT

 This is usually fruitless since a child who bullies either learns the behavior from a parent who attempts to intimidate others or is simply genetically predisposed to pick on others.  All of the above or combination thereof point to the home.  Even if you are successful in convincing a parent to take responsibility for their child’s behavior, the child himself will most likely not listen to their parent(s).

 

AN EXERCISE IN FUTILITY?

 However if you do choose to confront the bully’s parents:

  - Find out from the teacher if any other children are being bullied by the same child, if so get as many details as possible, names, dates, incidents and record the conversation covertly.  Talk to those parents who may not be aware of their child being bullied first and get a small group together to confront the bully’s parents.

  - Do not bring your child.  Any resolution is completely the choice of the bully’s parent(s).  If you walk away with nothing your child will see that you are powerless and that there is nothing he can do either.

  - Covertly record the entire conversation.  If you sense that the parent is unwilling to cooperate, bait the parent into attacking your heritage.  Once recorded, this should be submitted to the police in to obtain a restraining order against the parent and his child.  The last thing the police want to deal with is a potential hate crime since it draws publicity.

  - Deal with the father, you might be able to convince a reasonable man to put his dog … err child on a leash.  However with the mother, her maternal instinct will most likely kick in and she will defend her “angel” at all costs and you will end up being shrieked at and threatened by an irrational person who, to a child will appear to have “won” the argument.  This will further empower the onlooking bully.

  - Remain calm.  Do not show anger.  Anger is a result of frustration and bullies enjoy it when they can frustrate you to the point of anger.  Do not be sarcastic and do not use foul language.  This will make the other person less reasonable.

  - Do not plead, pleading is the result of being powerless in a situation and bullies enjoy it when they can show domination.

  - Do not refer to the principles by name, only use “your kid”, “my kid”.  This brings the situation into a family issue instead of a children’s issue among themselves.

  - Do not make specific threats.   You will most likely not follow through and this will make you look ridiculous.  If you are going to take action, prior threatening will only inform your enemy of your intentions.

  - Be mentally prepared to walk away without a resolution.

 EG.

You: Hi, Mr. <bullies’ surname>, I’m <your name>, I’m not sure if you are aware that your kid has been <name incident(s)> my kid.  I would appreciate it if you could get him to stop.

 The bully’s parent(s) will most likely respond with one of the following:

  - “My kid is telling me that you are trying to intimidate him and he is scared of you”, to which you may say: “I don’t interact with anyone else’s kids.  If your kid feels intimidated or scared, maybe that is a guilty conscience resulting from <name incident(s)>”.

  - “Your kid needs to learn how to deal with it himself”, to which you could ask: “so you are OK with your kid bullying other kids?”.  At this point, since you are recording the conversation, bait  the person into saying something Anti Asian or bait them into making fun of Asians.  Leave them with a parting request of “just keep your kid away from my kid.”  Then take the recording to the police and claim you are being harassed due to your ethnicity.

  - “Are you trying to tell me what to do?”, to which you could say: “You do what you want as long as it doesn’t affect my family.”

  - “That’s the responsibility of the teacher.”, to which your could say: “The teacher can not be everywhere at all times.”

  - “What do you want me to do about it?”, to which you could say: “I would appreciate if you sat your kid down and explained to him that there is no honor in picking on a weaker kid.”

  - “This kid has been going through some problems at home.”, to which you could say: “and I can fully sympathize with that but now your problems are becoming my problems.”

  - “Then you need to teach your kid how to stand up for himself.”, to which you could say: “With all due respect I don’t think you’re in any position to offer parenting advice, your kid is out of control.”

 Don’t be surprised if the bully’s parent lists off a number of grievances against you.  Write them down (if on the phone) or remember them, summarize them back to the parent (to help you remember) and then proceed to address one issue at a time.

 If the bullies parents know what is going on and approach you to ask if everything is OK, do not acknowledge that it is.  They are actually bullying you into agreeing that it is OK for their child to bully your child.  Do not agree to anything, tell them instead: “not happy about what happened” and if they pursue the conversation tell them: “the more you talk the more I think you’re trying to bully me into agreeing and I’m not my kid, I don’t like being bullied.”

 If you feel that you can physically beat the bully’s father, challenge him to a fight preferably in front of his child.  Only do this if you are sure you can win.

Some of the ways to bait the bully’s father into agreeing to accept your challenge:

 - Refer to his kid as an animal

 - Mention that his kid is stupid and therefore bullies out of frustration.

 - Take on a “3rd grade teacher” persona when talking to the parent.

 - “Your kid is out of control, you’re running a lunatic camp in your house.”

 - “One of these days your kid is going to get exactly what he deserves.  I only hope I’m there to see it.”

 - “I’m not my kid, take a swing at me and see what happens.”

 - “Now I see where your kid gets his behavior from”

 

SECOND CHANCES

 If none of the above work, place the child in a different school.  Relocate to another city if you have to.  An entire school year of bullying will have a far more traumatizing effect on the child than a relocation.  Before entering the new school the child must understand that bullies are everywhere and will have to be dealt with.  The change of schools is not to avoid bullying but rather to get a second chance on properly dealing with bullies.

  

IT’S EITHER HIM OR YOU

 Upon the first day in a new environment, have your child observe the alliances within the group.  Knowing which children are aligned together is crucial.

Take note of any of the other children that are being bullied.  If your child is being bullied, have him form alliances with the other children who are also being bullied.

Concoct a plan to isolate the bully.  Have your child take the lead since others can not be counted on.  Ambush and surprise the bully.  Use a foreign object to repeatedly strike the bully.

Once the bully is in a compromised position, the other victims will be more likely to step up and administer a beating but do not count on it.

There can be no negotiation, pleading or sympathy.  It will come back in the form of vengeance. The bully is a vicious animal and must be dealt with as such.  Your child must understand it is either him or the bully.  Your child must continue the beating until no question remains that the bully is not only physically damaged but also spiritually.  Simply “winning” the fight does not suffice.  The goal must be mid to long term bodily harm since violence is the only thing a bully understands.

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